“…’Til DEATH Do Us Part!”

15 Superhero Weddings Involving Complications that Might Put Your Own Wedding’s Catering Mishap in Perspective

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1. Reed Richards and Susan Storm
Story: “The Wedding of Sue and Reed,” Fantastic Four Annual #3 (1965)
Ask any married couple and they’ll happily tell you about the little surprises that kept their wedding from being a perfect day. The bawling flower girl. The inebriated great-uncle. The inappropriate speech by the best man. You get the idea. (For the record, our wedding night came complete with a bait-and-switch menu screw-up and a hotel that lost our luggage and the wedding dress for several hours). These setbacks can seem devastating in the moment, but time has a funny way of making them seem amusing in retrospect, perhaps even a wedding-fantfourannual1welcome part of the affair. One can only hope that Reed and Sue Richards felt the same way after their own nuptials, one of the major matrimonial events of the Silver Age. After all, it’s a little frustrating to see your plans for the big day unravel because an entire army of super-villains decide to crash the wedding — which in retrospect seems kind of dumb on their part because the guest list only included every Marvel superhero in existence at the time (not to mention a duo by the name of Stan and Jack who had the good sense to sit out the mayhem). And if having everyone from Doctor Doom to the Human Top crash your wedding and start a massive super-brawl wasn’t bad enough, the best man (as seen in this image) apparently forgot to put on his pants that morning. Thing, dude — you know they make cummerbunds in your size, right?

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2. Wally West and Linda Park
Story: “Get Me to the Church on Time,” The Flash (vol. 2) #142 (10/98)
Leaving someone at the altar isn’t anything new, especially for viewers of finer soap operas and romantic comedies. But a groom showing up at the church only to find no one else remembers the bride ever having existed? That’s a new one. Just as Linda and Wally were about to take the plunge, Abra Kadabra, an old Flash foe, used his powers to literally erase her from existence and trap her in a pocket dimension, where she would languish in limbo forever unless the Flash saved her. There’s a really obvious “press 1 for customer service” joke here somewhere, but finding it will have to wait because…

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3. Barry Allen and Iris West
Story: “One Bridegroom Too Many,” The Flash (vol. 1) #165 (11/66)
…we’re not done exploring Flash-related wedding disasters yet! In this case, it’s the wedding of Barry Allen to Iris West, another in a long line of lady reporters with a thing for men in Spandex. As you can see from this cover, the Flash took advantage of the always-handy-for-dramatic-purposes “speak now or forever hold your peace” part of the show to announce (gasp!) Iris was marrying the wrong man. And indeed, it turns out that arch Flash foe Professor Zoom switched places and identities with the Flash on the eve of Barry Allen’s wedding just to show how eeeee-vil he could be. And here’s the kicker: the scene shown here wasn’t the most awkward moment of Flash’s wedding day. No, as readers would later find out, that would happen later that evening, when Allen — who didn’t tell Iris about his secret identity before they got married, which hel-lo annulment — inadvertently blurted out his big secret to Iris by talking in his sleep(!). On the breakfast menu the next morning: a big plate of awkward.

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4. Oliver Queen and Dinah Lance
Story: “And They Said It Wouldn’t Last,” Green Arrow and Black Canary Wedding Special #1 (11/2007)
As we’ve already seen, you can count on one of two things happening at a superhero wedding: either the ceremony will deteriorate into a super-villain slugfest or an imposter will take the place of either the bride or groom (just ask Johnny Storm, who thought he was marrying former Thing gal pal Alicia Masters but later found out he was shagging a Skrull the whole time). Leave it to Judd Winick to jam both plotlines into his tale chronicling the long-awaited union of Black Canary and Green Arrow. The happy couple manages to get through the ceremony despite a phalanx of super-villains crashing the party, and then, on what possibly ranks as the worst wedding night ever, Black Canary had to stab her suddenly berserk and homicidal husband in the neck with an arrow, only later learning that “Ollie” was in fact a shape-shifting killer named Everyman. At least she found out before they… you know.

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5. Patsy Walker and Daimon Hellstrom
Story: “Hello, I Must Be Going,” The Defenders #125 (11/83)
We’re a getting a little more obscure for this one, so here goes: he’s Daimon Hellstrom, the actual son of Satan blessed/cursed with dark mystical powers; she’s Patsy Walker, former star of teen humor comics who used a special costume and her natural athletic abilities to help the Avengers (most of whom probably took one look at Thor and Iron Man and said, “Uh, thanks, but we’re good”). These two kids fell in love during their stint with the Defenders, but of course they couldn’t get through the ceremony without a super-villain attack, this time by the justly forgotten Mutant Force and Mad-Dog, Hellcat’s ex-husband (they divorced because they fought like… oh, it’s beneath even me to finish that sentence). Some other stuff also happened in this issue that led to the end of this incarnation of the team (no worries, though, since the next issue’s lineup can be described as “basically the same team as before only with more former X-Men”). And it wouldn’t be a wedding befitting an heir to the infernal netherworld without a pink-clad leprechaun to emcee the proceedings. No, for real.

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6. Quicksilver and Crystal
Story: Part 1 – “Bride & Doom,” The Avengers (vol. 1) #127 (09/74); Part 2 – “Ultron-7: He’ll Rule the World,” Fantastic Four (vol. 1) #150 (09/74)
Some unions are just never a good idea, but try telling that to the people involved, who will probably spout some nonsense about “love conquering all” and insist theirs is a love that will last forever. An occasional Fantastic Four sub, Crystal is also a member of the Inhuman race, whilst Quicksilver is a super-fast mutant who found acceptance with the Avengers after a short bout with badness (understandable, given he’s Magneto’s son). In retrospect, they should have seen their wedding day brouhaha as a portent of darker days to come, given the murderous giant robot that interrupted the proceedings and all, but let’s face it — it just wouldn’t be a superhero wedding without someone trying to kill someone else. So they went through with it, had a daughter who was raised by a nanny on the moon, and endured several years of a rocky relationship before Crystal had an affair with a New Jersey real estate agent. You think I’m just making all of this up, don’t you?

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7. Vision and the Scarlet Witch/Mantis and Swordsman
Story: “…Let All Men Bring Together,” Giant-Size Avengers #4 (05/75)
The most unbelievable part about the Crystal/Quicksilver wedding is that it’s not the oddest superhero wedding story ever written; heck, it’s not even the oddest Avengers wedding story ever written. That honor goes to the union of Vision and Quicksilver’s sister, the Scarlet Witch — and it’s not just because she’s a mutant witch and he’s an android. Any wedding story involving the dread Dormammu, a Celestial Madonna, time travel, the Dark Dimension, an attack by temporal duplicates of a longtime Avengers villain, the Space Phantom, an ageless lord of Limbo presiding over the ceremony, a sentient alien plant animated with the soul of a dead Avenger as one of the grooms… well, that’s some pretty big story-telling cajones on the part of Steve Englehart, that’s for sure.

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8. Metamorpho and Sapphire Stagg
Story: “Dissembler at the Wedding,” Batman and the Outsiders Annual #2 (1985)
Oh, those crazy impostors and fun-loving shape-shifters — when they’re not pretending to be the bride or groom, they’re crashing the wedding to kidnap a member of the bridal party just before the big event. Metamorpho was one of the more far-out DC creations of the 1960s, and his courtship of Sapphire Stagg was always a bit on the odd side, given that her father, Simon, was always trying to profit from Metamorpho’s powers while at the same time conspiring to keep them apart (with the willing assistance of Java, his lovestruck and literally Neanderthal servant). But back to the abduction: seems an old rival of Sapphire’s dad hired a shape-shifting android to kidnap the bride as a way of getting back at Simon for stealing Sapphire’s mother away from him. The Outsiders join their teammate on a trip to the villain’s African hideout, where they battle the Masters of Disaster to save Sapphire… and also, one assumes, Metamorpho’s deposit on the reception hall.

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9. Hank Pym and Janet van Dyne
Story: “‘Til Death Do Us Part,” The Avengers (vol. 1) #60 (01/69)
Yes, you’re right — this just may qualify as the awesomest superhero wedding cover of all time. This issue featured the wedding of Janet “Wasp” van Dyne and Hank “Take Your Pick” Pym, who has gone by many codenames over the years but called himself Yellowjacket at the time of this story. Long story short: a lab accident resulted in a radical personality change for Pym, causing him to take on the new identity of Yellowjacket, claim to have “murdered” Hank Pym, kidnap the Wasp, and propose marriage to her (something he never had the nerve to do, apparently, in his more rational state). The Wasp played along, fearing that she would worsen his psychological condition if she refused, and so they were married before a shocked audience of Avengers. Then — then! — the caterers turned out to be the Ringmaster and his Circus of Crime in disguise, who crashed the reception to get back at Thor for foiling a past caper of theirs. The sight of seeing the Wasp in mortal peril shocked Pym back to his senses; after the Avengers saved the day, the couple agreed to let the marriage stand even though Pym wasn’t in his right mind at the time. Later, when he sunk into a deep depression, he physically abused her and programmed a giant robot to attack Avengers Mansion so he could look like a hero. The lesson: marrying someone when they are temporarily insane does not lay the foundation for a successful marriage.

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10. Wolverine and Mariko Yashida
Story: “To Have and Have Not,” Uncanny X-Men #173 (09/83)
Not all attacks on a superhero wedding involve a full-on assault by a battalion of revenge-addled super-villains; sometimes, the more insidious attacks can be the most devastating. A perfect example is the crashing of Wolverine’s wedding ceremony by the evil mutant known as Mastermind, who uses his extremely subtle mind-controlling powers to convince Mariko to call off the wedding, which she does by proclaiming Wolverine “not worthy” in front of their guests. Mastermind’s eventual defeat changed nothing, as a clear-headed Mariko felt shame at the actions she had performed under his control and insisted they could not marry until she made things right. This page, the final one in the story, needs no words to convey the deep heartbreak that Mastermind’s machinations caused our hero, and his dastardly act would have far-reaching consequences for both star-crossed lovers.

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11. Rick Jones and Marlo Chandler
Story: “We Are Gathered Here,” Incredible Hulk #418 (06/94)
Peter David’s tenure on Incredible Hulk was noteworthy for several reasons, not least of which was the heaping dose of humor he gave the title. For instance, during the wedding of Rick and Marlo, David had a lot of fun with the “villains attacking en masse during a wedding” chestnut, sending Skrulls, Krees, and a few classic Hulk foes into the fray. He even sent in Mephisto to collect the bride’s soul as payment for services rendered, a tense moment that was defused by the Hulk (and later noted by the surprise appearance of a mysterious brush-giving guest in a pun-tastic scene that should be punishable by law). But those dust-ups weren’t what nearly torpedoed the wedding; no, for that we have to look to Rick’s bachelor party in the previous issue, where Rick and his superhero buddies made a startling discovery while watching a…. um, very educational film. “That is your fiancée?” says the Vision. “You must be very proud.” Oh, Vision.

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12. Bruce Banner and Betty Ross
Story: “Member of the Wedding,” Incredible Hulk #319 (05/86)
Should Rick have seen those kind of complications coming on his wedding day? Probably, if past events are any indication. Let’s put it this way: bad things tend to happen to him around weddings. During a brief period in which he and the Hulk were physically separated from each other, Bruce finally stopped running from the army to make an honest woman out of Betty. Trouble was, Betty’s father — a disgraced general who spent much of his career trying to capture and/or destroy the Hulk — was not keen on forever holding his peace, and he displayed his displeasure by barging into the chapel with a pistol, shooting Rick in the gut. Luckily, the injury wasn’t serious, and the happy couple was able to resume the wedding after Betty talked her father into giving up his weapon.

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13. Nightwing and Starfire
Story: “Something Old, Something New, Something Borrowed, Something… Dead,” The New Titans #100 (08/93)
Is it time for a Titans story from the early 1990s? Oh, joy. Well, if you can tear your eyes away from the execrable art involving two scantily clad ex-teammates in implied girl-on-girl action (hey, at least neither is sporting a mullet or giant shoulder pads, which were standard issue back then), you should note this issue features Raven crashing the long-awaited wedding of Nightwing and Starfire. Seems the demon side of her has taken over (again) and she’s “planting seeds” of her father’s demonic soul in various bodies to pave the way for her father’s return… or something (look, I’ll do a lot for my readers, but re-reading an early-’90s Titans story is where I draw the line). Of course, Starfire’s soul is pure, the “seed” implanted in her body contains all the good in Raven’s soul, blah blah blah… it’s rape, people. Let’s call it for what it is. We have here a story in which a bride is raped on her wedding day by a female ex-teammate. Believe me, it took the Titans franchise a loooong time to come back from that one.

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14. Mister Miracle and Big Barda
Story: “Wild, Wild Wedding Guests!”, Mister Miracle #18 (02-03/74)
Straight from the DC wiki: “A horde of Apokolips villains, led by Granny Goodness, capture Mr. Miracle, Big Barda, Shilo Norman, and Oberon and shackle them to a deathtrap. But the foursome are saved by Orion, Highfather, Lightray, and Metron, who defeat the Apokolips enemies. Highfather marries Mr. Miracle and Barda, just as a tornado springs up and starts approaching them. Mr. Miracle, Big Barda, and the New Gods phase out to New Genesis, Granny Goodness and her cohorts return to Apokolips, and the tornado dissolves, to be replaced by its creator. Darkseid shows himself to Shilo and Oberon, muses a bit, then bursts out in laughter as he has spoiled the wedding.” So, Darkseid: intergalactic menace and sworn enemy of freedom, or petty tyrant pissed at being left off the guest list and missing out on some fine hors d’oeuvres? You decide!

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15. Mento and Elasti-Girl

Story, “The Bride of the Doom Patrol,” Doom Patrol #104 (06/66)
“The World’s Strangest Heroes!” proclaims the cover, and who are we to disagree? Robotman, who doesn’t wear clothes as a rule, is the only one wearing a tux, with even the bride sporting her superhero uniform… the groom is wearing some crazy-ass bowling ball helmet during the ceremony… and who goes and names himself after a breath mint, anyway? No matter. This issue deserves special mention because it demonstrates that super-villains aren’t the only ones with an interest in breaking up weddings. It seems Elasti-Girl’s teammates weren’t too keen on her breaking up the band, and while their ploy to spoil the wedding doesn’t work as planned, it does make Elasti-Girl realize how much her life with the Doom Patrol means to her and she calls it off. There’s more stuff about mixed-up identities and the Brotherhood of Evil and the two lovebirds finally getting hitched in a second ceremony after the issue’s battle royale, but I’m finding it hard to get over the first plot point. How is it, exactly, that Elasti-Girl doesn’t use her Size 78 boot on her teammates’ sorry asses after their little ruse is uncovered? The bonds that superheroes share are strong and mysterious, indeed…

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One response to ““…’Til DEATH Do Us Part!”

  1. The Avengers Annual where Vision and The Scarlett Witch was always one of my favorite comic book weddings.

    And, of course, having the story progress to their having children, well, I will refrain from the jokes…

    Cheers!

    Steven G. Willis
    XOWComics.com

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