You’re Dressing Up as Spider-Man Again This Year? Well, That’s… Safe.

23 Truly Unique Halloween Costume Ideas, as Suggested by Babe the Blue Ox in Jack of Fables*

1. Alonzo, the cruelty-free pirate who kills with kindness, not cutlasses
Suggested accessory: A copy of Chicken Soup for the Buccaneering Soul

2. Lamont Zemyna Vaizgantas, Lithuania’s top authority on graham cracker science
Suggested accessories: Bag of marshmallows, chocolate bars, top-secret cracker formulas

3. Wendell Remington, top award-winning NASCAR racecar driver with a secret dream of attending culinary school
Suggested accessories: Crash helmet, sponsor-splattered jumpsuit, spatula 

4. Dash Weinstein, heroic accountant-for-hire 
Suggested accessories: Calculator, ID that confirms licence to deduct with extreme prejudice

5. Cable installer Raoul 
Suggested accessories:
Tool belt, something mysterious labelled “the full package”

6. Jefferson J. Prudhomme, x-treme birdwatcher
Suggested accessories: Audubon guide, binoculars, shifty eyes suggesting secret shame

7. Lenny Flanagan, existential optometrist
Suggested accessory: Large-print copy of Sartre’s Being and Nothingness

8. Rowdy Sepastopol, master cheesemonger 
Suggested accessories: Samples of Edam, Gruyere, and Wensleydale; swooning ladies  

9. Aloisius the Kid, a cowpoke reconsidering his ride into the sunset 
Suggested accessories: Sunglasses, a brunch menu

10. Crash Ganesvoort, special ops mime in the French Foreign Legion 
Suggested accessories: Bayonet, white make-up, beret

11. Walter, the ballroom dancing unicorn who grew up on the tough streets of Philly
Suggested accessories: Rhinestone horseshoes, fluffy pink mane, nunchucks

12. Pip Wallace, small-pet breeder with an aversion to genocidal hamsters
Suggested accessory: A Habitrail with a few surprises in the tunnels13. Hotrod Hampton, metafictional comic relief character
Suggested accessory: A deft reductio ad absurdum

14. Deuce Pembroke, amateur escape artist
Suggested accessories: Handcuffs, straitjacket, emergency supply of ferret food

15. Whiskers McGillicuddy, forensic ballet analyst
Suggested accessories: toe shoes, fingerprint kit, application for transfer to jazz and tap division

16. Brom Wilderhart, snarling barbarian of the northern wastes
Suggested accessories: Loincloth, sword, frostbite

17. Gloxnar-7 Smith, advance scout for an alien invasion
Suggested accessories: Antennae, napkin tied around neck, knife and fork

18. A certain quote-unquote world-famous beagle with a pathetically limited imagination
Suggested accessories: red doghouse/biplane, hipster sunglasses, unintelligible avian sidekick   

19. Rolf Weiner, noted phlebotomist dabbling in the dark side of phlebotomy
Suggested accessories: White lab coat, syringe, dark cloak and hood 

20. Bob “Smiley” Gordichuk, shifty poet laureate of Anamoose, ND
Suggested accessories: Copies of his latest books of poems, I Have Nothing to Feel Guilty About and I’m Sure Ed Sussman is Alive and Well Somewhere, Probably; feathered quill dipped in red… let’s go with ink

21. Clovis Sandoval, world’s foremost toothbrush historian
Suggested accessories: Tweed jacket, examples of horrifying Victorian-era dental appliances 

22. Hamilton J. Farber, author of Guide to Being a Sperm Whale in Today’s Economy
Suggested accessories: Sou’wester, harpoon gun, ambergris price guide

23. Oliver Freekindle Puck, dashing prefolded origami entrepreneur
Suggested accessories: Paper cranes, the latest trophy wife 

* Which y’all should run out and read right now, if you haven’t already.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s