Making the Grade: Wonder Woman’s Accessories

Golden Lasso
At first glance, giving a weapon usually associated with the Old West to an immortal Greek demi-goddess may seem a little odd —  why not put a scimitar in the hands of a flying Mountie while we’re at it? — but after you learn a bit about her creator, it totally makes sense. Seriously, given William Moulton Marston’s writings on the need for men to submit to a loving authority, we can only assume we have his editor to thank for the character not ending up named Bondage Lass, the Sexual Liberator with her Ball Gag of Truth and Justice. In any event, regardless of its historical incongruity or implicit kinkiness, the golden lasso is the defining accessory for Wonder Woman and must be respected as such. Plus, on a more practical level, having an automatic lie detector on your hip would come in handy in so many everyday situations… though I’m open to suggestions on how a fellow can tie up his daughter’s prom date for a quick interrogation without things getting seriously weird. A-

Bulletproof Bracelets
Next to the lasso, the bracelets are part of Wondy’s defining look, and rightly so: they’re badass, go with pretty much any outfit, function as a reminder to all Amazons of their former status as slaves, and come in handy when the bullets start flying. Of course, some wag might ask why she doesn’t wear a whole outfit made out of whatever the bracelets are made of, but I think we can all agree her outfits have been messed with enough, thanks. If Warner Bros. ever gets off its corporate duff and makes that Wonder Woman movie they’ve been talking about, you can bet the bracelets will be a huge part of the merchandising push, if only because plastic arm jewelry don’t invite the number of liability suits that handing out gilded lassos to empowered eight-year-olds might. And bracelets promoting a Wonder Woman movie would make a lot more sense than the official “Green Lantern: The Movie Cosmic Claw.” Seriously, Ryan: What the hell? A

Tiara
An often overlooked part of our gal’s ensemble, and rightly so — hair accessories aren’t usually considered weapons of mass destruction, though I recall plenty of post-9/11 airport security agents insisting otherwise (“Let any who interfere with my holy mission feel the wrath of my banana clip!”). I remember one glorious episode of the old Wonder Woman TV series, where some random baddie was about to escape justice via an inflatable raft, and Lynda Carter flung her tiara, boomerang-style, to puncture the boat and foil his escape. Awesome. But then, it’s Lynda Carter, so “awesome” is a given. B

Invisible Plane
Yeah, yeah. Her plane is invisible, but she’s not invisible, so you end up with a very visible sitting woman flying through the air, har de har har, cue the laugh track and brick wall backdrop from an earlier season of A&E’s Evening at the Improv. Haven’t heard that one before. Now, then. One hopes the plane isn’t invisible from the pilot’s perspective; you’d hate to see someone press where they think the landing gear button is located and accidentally activate the ejector seat, or release the plane’s fuel while still out at sea, or extend the wing flaps when they’re cruising at Mach 3. Actually, if I’m being honest I would totally love to see something like that happen, but it would still be a tragedy. In theory. A-

Winged Sandals
Bet you didn’t remember this one, huh? Don’t feel bad if you didn’t — her invisible plane tends to get more press for obvious reasons, but she actually made her first visit to Man’s World via this gift from the gods. She doesn’t wear them much lately, though; I recall she passed them on to one of the Wonder Girls that DC keeps trying to make me give a damn about. I can think of worse things than getting Wonder Woman’s hand-me-down footwear. Hope she spritzed first, though.  C

Earrings
This is the mark of a true super-heroine — even her earrings serve a practical function beyond looking stylin’. Back when her adventures were written by middle-aged alcoholics who thought it would be hilarious to give her love interests resembling mermaids, monsters and Jell-O molds, her earrings — no joke — were a gift from Poseidon, the god of the oceans, that granted her the ability to breathe underwater. That is… so gloriously random, like having a charm bracelet that can magically do your dry cleaning, or a nose stud that knows what all the lyrics to “American Pie” really mean. But that’s how writers liked to roll during the Silver Age: under pressure, under deadline and undermedicated. D+

 

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