Daily Archives: May 18, 2012

“A Civil War Between Giant Alien Robots Is No Place for a Boy in High School”

21 Delightfully Insane Lines of Dialogue That Could Only Have Appeared in Early Issues of Marvel’s 1980s Transformers Series

By amazing coincidence, I mentioned my own ability to absorb electromagnetic radiation in my eHarmony profile.
1. “You have done well, Ravage. You ability to absorb electromagnetic radiation and thus remain undetected are enviable qualities.”

Oh, so… I guess that’s why they call you Rumble, huh?
2. “Can the speeches, huh, Star? Rumble’s back in town and I’m gonna shake the place up with some low-frequency ground waves. You hit ’em from up top, and I’ll do the job down here.”

I’m not sure what’s more disturbing — that they gave lines to a robot buzzard, or that I actually think a robot buzzard is any less likely to speak than a humanoid robot. 
3. “It all pales next to the artistry of Buzzsaw. I can pinpoint a hex nut at twenty miles with my optical sensors. And my beak has carved many an Autobot warrior into a masterpiece of scrap metal.”

Oooh, a water pistol. That’s going to set Megatron quaking in his robo-booties.
4. “Ironhide’s ready to roll, Optimus! I may be old and ornery, but my steel-alloy skin hasn’t been dented yet in battle. And I’ve got a bunch of new liquids I want to test out in my new water gun, yessiree.”

Best experienced if heard in Vanity Smurf’s voice…
5. “Well, Sunstreaker isn’t leaving until the rest of this world gets a look at the sleekest Autobot in the bunch. And if any Decepticon dares to mess with the finish — he’ll get two ground-to-air missiles stuffed where he won’t want them.” 

Yup. Here I am. And the best I can say about myself is I’m completely ignorant of what my name means. God, do I suck.  
6. “Nice to hear how you got your name, Mirage. Now, I got mine, Blue Streak, by being as fast as a blue streak — whatever that is. Some wise guys even said I talk a blue streak — whatever that is. Anyway, here I am.”

I look forward to the next based-on-a-toy action movie in which someone says, “Owie! The bullet is shredding my insides, causing me much pain and discomfort as I plummet to the earth!”
7. “Yarrgh! The gas coats me, making my metal brittle and breakable as glass!”

It’s encouraging to see such a healthy self-assessment by a homicidal robot.
8. “Megatron’s deductions are most shrewd! I must be careful not to ever let my lust for power cause me to underestimate his cunning!”

Yeah, Dad! Start him off with something cheap, like Reese’s Pieces, and see how it goes from there.
9. “Dad! You can’t expect an extra-terrestrial to guzzle premium unleaded!”

So… that’s a good thing, then, right?
10. “They’re turning the scrap in my yard into — well — scrap!”

I agree, the giant robot scene in American Graffiti was a filmmaking tour de force.
11. “Where’d all these rejects from a George Lucas film come from?”

Then again, we can’t prove they’re not controlling them, either.
12. “We’re unable at this time to prove that the Russians are controlling the robots, sir.”

Hey, that last part would make a really neat catchphrase!
13. “The world still wonders who and what were those strange beings in Oregon! Obviously, there is more than meets the eye!”

Actually, only the first Matrix can honestly be described as ‘great.’
14. “By the Great Matrix, I will see that human reduced to carbon ash for his treachery!”

No, but I’m sure someone out there is willing to pay for the experience. We’re not known as the pervs of the galaxy for nothing.

Now, if you were taking some classes at the local community college, maybe something through the Learning Annex… well, that’s a different story.
16. “Son, listen to me. I know the Autobots are your friends, and I realize how exciting they must seem to a kid whose father is only a grease-money mechanic — but, believe me, a civil war between giant alien robots is no place for a boy in high school.”

Coincidentally, “burning rubber” is also the name the Transformers give to one of their more popular sexual positions.
17. “These overgrown Tinker Toys can play king o’ the hill all they want — I’m burnin’ rubber out of here!”

Indeed, who could forget their biggest hits, “Born in America” and “Glory Diurnal Cycles”…?
18. “Uh, everyone knows that’s Brick Springstern and the Tenth Avenue Band. The radio station’s been playing his music all week on account of the concert this evening at the stadium.” 

Never enough breems in the day to get things done…
19. “By the primary program itself, where is that malfunctioning foul-up Scrounge?! We were supposed to rendezvous twelve breems ago!” 

Also, I used to be the terror that flapped in the night. Goddamn Disney lawyers.
20. “I am the guardian of the gates… the junction of your destruction… the laser lighting the way to your doom… the planner of your obsolescence… the furnace that fires your demise… I am the number you cannot compute, Decepticon.”

No. Comment.
21. “Mmmm… Charlene, after you finish doing my roof, would you polish my hubcaps again?”