Ann Landers, Eat Your Heart Out

41 Commonsense Answers to Questions Posed by the Titles of Stories from Old Romance Comics

1. Had I the Right to Love?
(Actual Romances #1, Marvel, 10/49)
Yes. I believe it’s covered by the “pursuit of happiness” part.

2. What Would You Do?
(Actual Romances #2, Marvel, 01/50)
Depends, usually on what’s happening at the time. I find making a sandwich is usually a good call, no matter what’s going on. Or, y’know, just stopping to listen if someone else is yapping on about something.

3. Why Turn Back?
(All for Love #4, Prize, 12/59)
Because the place we want to be is in the other direction, that’s why. Also, if we were ancient sailors heading for the edge of the world: “here there be dragons.”

4. Should I Say Yes?
(Brides in Love #1, Charlton, 08/56)
Um, if you’re in the right book and you really are a bride in love, then you should definitely say yes. Especially when the minister gets to the “do you take this man” part.

5. Is Love Enough?
(Brides in Love #11,  Charlton, 02/59)
Most times it is, yeah. I’ve also heard that eight is enough, and sometimes even enough is enough. Which seems self-evident, when you think about it.

6. How Do You Say Kiss in Italian?
(Career Girl Romances #56, Charlton, 04/70)
“Bacio.” You’re welcome.

7. Why Does He Kiss Me?
(Career Girl Romances #62, Charlton, 04/71)
Pheromones, sexual attraction, desire to procreate, uvula enthusiast, fear of dying alone — take your pick.

8. Did I Give My Lips Too Freely?
(Diary Secrets #17, St. John, 04/53)
Why, is there some sick stock exchange out there that determines the going rate for black-market body parts? If you’re that hard up for cash, my advice is to start with a less essential piece of you. I mean, does anyone even know what a spleen does?

9. What Am I Waiting For?
(Falling in Love #66, DC, 04/64)
I don’t know; what are you waiting for? If you don’t really know, then how will you recognize it when it shows up?

10. Will I Ever Get Married?
(Falling in Love #105, DC, 02/69)
Sure, if you want to. The Internet being what it is, these days even people with the most horrific deformities can find fetishists eager to get it on. So don’t give up hope.

11. What’s In My Heart?
(For Lovers Only #8, Charlton, 09/76)
For your sake, hopefully not a lot of cholesterol.

12. Where Is My Husband?
(G.I. Joe #49, Ziff-Davis, 02/57)
Right where you left him, lady. If he’s not… Look, it’s not our problem if you didn’t microchip that guy when you had the chance.

13. Do Kisses Always Mean Love?
(Girls’ Love Stories #132, DC, 01/68)
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!  Um, no.

14. How Could He Stop Loving Me?
(Girls’ Love Stories #139, DC, 11/68)
With great ease, believe me.

15. What Makes a Man Fall in Love?
(Girls’ Romances #129, DC, 12/67)
Flapjacks. Honest, it’s really that easy.

16. Can There Be Someone Else?
(Heart Throbs #88, DC, 02/64)
There are a whole lot of “someone elses” out here, little Miss Solipsism. Life is not all about you.

17. How Do You Say, “I Don’t Love You Anymore”?
(Heart Throbs #108, DC, 06/67)
I think you just nailed it.

18. How Can I Forget His Face?
(Heart Throbs #110, DC, 10/67)
Drugs, therapy, a sudden blow to the head — all kinds of ways, really.

19. What Is Japanese For Kiss?
(I Love You #48, Charlton, 10/63)


Or so I’m told. I wouldn’t claim to be an expert on the language.

20. What Does a Kiss Mean?
(Just Married #68, Charlton, 12/69)
Usually  it means someone loves you… unless you’re in the Mafia and the kiss comes from your brother. Then it’s “I love you, but you have to die now.” So as long as you’re not in the Mafia and about to go out on a fishing trip, you should be okay.

21. Why Aren’t I Happy?
(Love and Romance #17, Charlton, 06/74)
Because you haven’t yet embraced the joy of lowering your expectations, that’s why.

22. How Do I Look?
(Love Diary #66, Charlton, 05/70)
Amazing. Spectacular. Wouldn’t change a thing. Can we just go now, please? We’re already late as it is…

23. May I Borrow Your Man?
(Love Diary #70, Charlton, 01/71)
Depends on what you had in mind. Need some carpentry work done? No problem. Plumbing problem? Be my guest. Otherwise… hands off, sister.

24. What Do Boys Think of Girls?
(Love Lessons #4, Harvey, 04/50)
Ummm, mostly that they’re soft and smell nice and sometimes we want to kiss them and they like it when we remember stuff like what they wore when we first met and… I dunno, stuff like that.

25. Could I Be a Second Wife?
(Love Letters #24, Quality, 09/52)
Are we talking consecutive or concurrent? Because yes to the first, a big no to the second.

26. Is He Sick and Tired?
(Lovelorn #20, American Comics Group, 12/51)
Look, if you can’t be bothered to do something as simple as take his temperature or call a doctor to get an answer, then maybe the state of his health is the last thing he should be worried about right now.

27. Who’s Kissing Him Now?
(Love Romances #56, Marvel, 03/56)
Chances are nobody right at this moment; you could always Skype and see if he’s with someone if you’re that desperate to know.

28. Will I Marry His Family?
(Love Secrets #51, Quality, 05/56)
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!  Um, yes. Hate to break it to you, but that’s part of the whole marriage deal.

29. How Do I Make Him Love Me?
(My Love #13, Marvel, 09/71)
The very fact you’re asking that question suggests you don’t really understand how love works.

30. Did I Love a Criminal?
(My Own Romance #9, Marvel, 10/49)
Did he bring you flowers with someone else’s card in them? Did he go out of town often on unannounced “business trips”? Did he ever, even once, forbid you from responding to the pleas for help coming from the crawlspace under the house? If yes to any of these, well…

31. But How Can I Love a Square?
(Our Love Story #23, Marvel, 06/73)
Oh, I think I saw a Schoolhouse Rock cartoon about geometry that answered this one.

32. The Cowboy or the Playboy?
(Romances of the West #1, Marvel, 11/49)
If fidelity matters to you, then go with the cowboy. If “not smelling like something that rolled in a cow patty and died” is high on your list of priorities, then go with the playboy.

33. To Hate Or To Love?
(Secrets of Love and Marriage #8, Charlton, 06/58)
You’ll be surprised by the number of people in relationships who happily choose both.

34. Is My Diary Important?
(Teen-Age Confidential Confessions #5, Charlton, 03/61)
Easy enough to find out: Is your name Anne Frank? If “yes,” then it’s important. Otherwise… not so much.

35. What Is Respect?
(Teen-Age Love #40, Charlton, 01/65)
re·spect  (r-spkt)
TRANSITIVE VERB:
re·spect·edre·spect·ingre·spects

  1. To feel or show deferential regard for; esteem.
  2. To avoid violation of or interference with: respect the speed limit.
  3. To relate or refer to; concern.

By the way, if you find any, Aretha’s asking for a little of it.

36. Who Will Bring Me Roses?
(Teen-Age Love #58, Charlton, 05/68)
Hey, you’ve got two legs, lady — you want roses, go get ’em yourself.

37. What Do Parents Know?
(Teen-Age Love #80, Charlton, 12/71)
A whole lot more than you do, young lady, so watch your tone.

38. Is Love Only for the Lucky?
(Today’s Brides #4, Ajax/Farrell, 11/56)
Thankfully, no.

39. Why Did I Have to Love a Beach Bum?
(Young Romance #200, DC, 07/74)
You didn’t. It’s called free will, dear.

40. Why Can’t I Think of Something to Say?
(Young Romance #200, DC, 07/74)
Because you’re a character inside a romance comic. Witty banter wasn’t part of the casting call.

41. Why Can’t I Stop Crying?
(Young Romance #203, DC, 01/75)
See above re: “character inside a romance comic.”

 

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