Monthly Archives: December 2012

Making the Grade: Santa’s Super-Powers


The ability to visit every child’s house in one night
This is the first super-power of Santa’s most people think of, and for good reason; it’s kind of his entire shtick. And forcing kids to trudge to the North Pole to pick up their dollies and wooden trains from his workshop would be impractical, not least because of the numerous polar bear-related lawsuits from overprotective parents. This super-power is probably why Santa limits his traveling to once a year; can you imagine the demands on his time if people knew he was a 24/7 delivery system? “Hey, Santa, thanks for the presents last year. Listen, would you mind dropping this package off at my sister’s place in Saskatchewan? C’mon, I know she’s on your list, and it’s not like the five one-millionths of a second it takes you to do it will muck up your evening plans.” Think of that one guy with a pick-up truck who ends up becoming everyone’s best buddy on moving day, times a million. B

The eternal question: is it Santa who possesses the power of flight, or is it his reindeer? Is the jolly elf sent soaring through the heavens on the hopes and dreams of children worldwide, or does he have the elves out harvesting pixie dust in the off season, or is his sleigh powered by alien technology he picked up after he conquered the Martians? Listen, I don’t care if Rudolph farts helium; anything that allows St. Nick to avoid traffic lights and get my presents here sooner is A-OK by me. A-

This isn’t one of Santa’s more advertised powers, but it only makes sense. A guy carrying that much body fat traveling at those speeds through every climate on the planet while wearing a red fur-lined suit has got to have something that keeps him from dropping dead in a friction-burned, heart-attacked pool of sweat. Yes, yes, “the hopes and dreams of children worldwide,” blah blah blah. Bottom line: the fact he hasn’t bottled and mass-marketed it to millions of aging Gen Xers coming to grips with the horror that many of today’s major pop stars weren’t even born when Nevermind came out is…. sorry, I had a panic attack for a second there. What were we talking about? Right, immortality. It rocks. A

The ability to enter homes undetected
We’ve progressed a bit since the days when every home had a working chimney wide enough for an adipose body to slither down, and so it only makes sense Santa would change his M.O. with the times. But does he enter our homes via magical means, or does he lean on the cat burglars on his naughty list for valuable break-and-enter tips? And how does the proliferation of home security systems come into play? I like to imagine Santa as Tom Cruise in Mission: Impossible, hanging from the ceiling and filling stockings with great care while trying to avoid a speck of reindeer dung from falling off his boot and setting off the floor sensors. And all the while that “DUN-dun-dun” theme music is playing in the background. I’d totally buy that Rankin/Bass special on DVD. B+

“He knows when you are sleeping/He knows when you’re awake…” This has to be the creepiest super-power of Santa’s, no question. But let’s get one thing out of the way: there is no — repeat, no — chance Santa is peeking in on anyone for anything more than present-related reasons. This is Santa we’re talking about, people, not some fascist degenerate and/or vigilante who would abuse his omniscience without a kindly Morgan Freeman type showing him the right path. Having said that… when I’m sleeping, Santa? Really? What kind of behavior-based intel could you possibly get from my REM cycle patterns? Not cool, fat man. Not cool. C-

Magical sack
Not so much a super-power as a really awesome accessory, Santa’s sack in most incarnations is a bottomless portal of wonder, able to hold all the toys for every good girl and boy in the world and yet weigh less than your average reality show contestant. If you need some detailed explanation as to why this particular item would be a good thing to own, then I fear you may not be of the human species. If that is the case, and on the off chance you’re actually an advance scout for a race of conquering aliens, I’d like to take this opportunity to remind you that we naturally docile and easily trained Canadians would make excellent house slaves and are not at all suitable labor for your underground sulfur mines. A++