Read my lips, no new taxes! Uh… I mean, it’s time to go back in time with another instalment of Making the Grade: Who’s Who Update ’88. This week: Volume 2, from Icemaiden to Nightwing.
Ty Templeton once again does the honors, giving us a group shot of everyone standing and cavorting on various floating circular thingies. It’s… kind of weird, to be honest, and I’m not sure if they were going for some kind of thematic tie-in with one of the featured characters. Mister Miracle travels by hover-discs, I suppose, but he’s only on the cover because he was in the Justice League line-up at the time.
This also explains Batman’s presence in the coveted centre-stage spot, which I think is just a teensy bit of false advertising. Then again, who the hell are they supposed to put there to grab readers? Karma? Neptune Perkins? Little Boy Blue? Seriously, fuck those guys.
I’m a bit pressed for time this week, so the good news is you’re all spared my usual long-winded thoughts on each character. But fear not! In the spirit of the Webby Awards, I will try to capture the raw essence of each entry in just five words. Will I amaze the masses with my brilliant conciseness, or fail horribly in the attempt? Let’s find out!
Who names a kid “Abednego”? C-
“Why so serious?” Got me. A+
JLI Embassy Building
“Linen closet,” you say? Swanky! B
Justice League International
Giffen + DeMatteis + Templeton = pure heaven. A-
Buried alive, Bats? Not cool. B-
Magnificent bastard through and through. A
Little Boy Blue
Sweet Jesus in a Cuisinart. D-
Magnetic? Yep. Magnetic personality? Ehhhhh… C-
Lords of Order and Chaos
Well, that shows imagination. Not. D+
Hey, it’s everyone’s favorite super-asshole! D
Only good for “KHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!” joke. D
Superhero bounty hunter? Makes sense. B+
“No man escapes…” etc. Zzzzzzzzzzz…. D
Badger did you wrong, J’onn. B+
Transmuting powers + gams = oh my. B
Awesome, but why the derby? A
Magical ass kicked by teenagers. C-
Did any original DPer die…? C-
Archer totally stole his turtleneck. C
Nazis, aliens, Titanic — the hell? D
Oh sweet God they’re serious. F
Leave Kirby be, guys. Jeez. D
Who names siblings “Larry,” “Eve”…? C
Why the midget-like proportions, Pérez? C