Monthly Archives: September 2018

“Hulk Need to Exercise Better Quality Control!”

14 Examples of Hulk Merchandise That Went Slightly Off-Brand 

Hey, remember when those Hulk “smash fist” toys came out? Of course you do! It doesn’t matter if you were five or 55 when you first saw them, of course you put on those bad boys in the middle of the toy store and made a few “HULK SMASH!” jokes while your significant other politely pretended not to know who you were.

That is what’s known in marketing circles as a “slam dunk” — a product that’s so perfectly aligned with everything the brand is about, you have to wonder why it took toymakers so long to come up with it. He’s the Hulk. He likes to smash. Here are giant toy fists that make smashing sounds. Genius.

And then you have the…. not-so-good tries:

1.
“HULK CRASH!”

2.

“HULK SPLASH!”

3.  
“HULK’S SASH!”

4.

“HULK MASHED!”

5.

“HULK WANT TO TALK ABOUT IMPORTANT ISSUE OF CHILD CAR SAFETY!”

6.

Let’s be honest. Aside from Batman (who gets an obvious pass), what superhero doesn’t look ridiculous driving a vehicle? Superman flies. Spider-Man swings from webs. The Hulk leaps everywhere. Thor swings his enchanted hammer. What was it about a shoeless, seven-foot-tall rageholic that made someone in a boardroom think “offroading adventures”…?

7.

“Seriously, Bob?”
“Hey, when he’s not the Hulk he’s a scientist called Bruce Banner. A scientist is like an explorer, right?”
Sigh. Fine, whatever.”

8.

I think letting the Hulk be the pilot is the least of this helicopter’s problems.

9. 

“MA! MA! CAN I GET A HULK KAZOO? IT SAYS RIGHT HERE, IT’S NON-TOXIC! WHICH MAKES ME WONDER WHOSE FACE IS ON ALL THE TOXIC KAZOOS!”

10. 
And now my dying wish is to see just one comic book where the Hulk is just kickin’ it in a sweet pair of flip-flops.

11. 

Okay, “Hulk shampoo,” fine, we’ll pretend his untamed locks don’t condition themselves. Who in the infinite nine realms is begging for the option of having the eternally rage-filled mouth of any fictional character vomit water in their face every morning?

12. 
I think the facial expression here says it all. Yeah, Hulk, we don’t know how the &%$#! you got on these things, either.

13. 
You could tell by the fourth season the writers were getting desperate, the way they suddenly had the Hulk team up with some teenagers and a talking dog and sent him out on the road solving mysteries. Heh, now that would make for an interesting third act. “HULK NOW REVEAL WHO’S REALLY UNDER SCARY MASK.” (rips villain’s entire head off) “UH-OH…”

14. 

Never mind how a tool-using Hulk is almost the exact opposite of a smashing Hulk. My absolute favorite part of this one is his expression, which is less “overcome with rage” and more “pissed that you’re back to borrow another tool even though you haven’t yet returned the last one.” INCLUDES PLAY TOOLS THAT REALLY WORK! Good to see we’re setting the kids up early for crushing disappointments later in life.