Tag Archives: comic book movies

Also? Henchmen Hockey Players. Never a Good Sign.

41 Signs You Might Not Be Watching a Great Comic-Book Film 

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1. Bat-nipples.

2. Shaquille O’Neal.

3. More than two hours of build-up to a ten-minute fight that was mostly shown in the trailers.

4. A soundtrack that sounds like the director just discovered the site containing this button.

5. “Directed by Zack Snyder.”

6. More than one sidekick character officially designated as comedy relief.

7. Crappy CGI effects that look like it would have been better if someone had attached paper puppets to Popsicle sticks and made them jump over rooftops.

8. Clones.

9. Evil doppelgangers of title characters, or title characters compelled to act evil because of some outside influence.

10. More than three people credited for writing the screenplay.

11. Film stars who look absolutely nothing like the characters they were hired to portray.

12. Even the slightest hint of duck-on-human sex.

13. Origin stories that take up more than 7/8ths of film’s run time.

14. Overly intrusive cameos by comic creators.

15. The plot is nigh-impenetrable unless you have read the film’s official novelization, official wiki, and official course syllabus for the night-school course covering every iteration of the character before entering the theatre.

16. Any character uses any variation on the line “The only way we can defeat him is if we work together!”

17. Megan Fox.

18. Monologuing.

19. A key plot point involves the hero accepting the responsibility that comes with having his powers and his name isn’t Peter Parker.

20. More than 2.5 famous comic-book story arcs are mashed together in the script.

21. News stories released prior to the film that focus on one actor in the film and really, really want you to know how “method” that actor got while on set.

22. Villains that in any way resemble giant fart clouds.

23. Way-too-obvious excuses for injecting songs from the film’s soundtrack into the script, like having a character listen to her iPod while beating up bad guys.

24. The film suggests at any moment the title character — a character beloved by millions and already signed up for multiple sequels — is ever in any danger of dying.

25. Character’s motive for fighting or hating another character is at best vaguely specious, like having a crappy birthday or disapproving of vigilantism whilst actively engaging in vigilantism.

26. Space goop.

27. Space magic.

28. Dancing by anyone not named “Chris Pratt.”

29. Critical plot points and tense emotional moments that hinge on ridiculous coincidences involving trivial things.

30. Obviously obvious product placement, like sending the hero and villain smashing through gas stations and restaurants with clearly visible logos and branding in the shot.

31. More than two marquee super-villains showing up for the climax.

32. Character from comic books who is not known for having super powers is given a super power because reasons.

33. Surrogate father figure is given chance to offer heartfelt advice or impart crucial information before conveniently dying in hero’s arms.

34. Someone who isn’t a master hacker accesses confidential information in the bad guy’s hard drive or super-secret server with zero effort.

35. Bad guys who help out non-hackers trying to peek at their files by literally naming folders “Secret Projects” or something else just as easy to figure out.

36. It’s a Fox production and any of the four main characters is named “Reed,” “Sue,” “Ben” or “Johnny.”

37. The presence of mutant kangaroo-men.

38. Ryan Reynolds is in it and he’s not wearing a certain color “so bad guys don’t see me bleed.”

39. The presence of a colon and/or whimsically placed numeral in the movie’s title.

40. Over-the-top Jesus symbolism.

41. “Life-restoring cat breath” plays a prominent role in the plot.