Tag Archives: Darkseid

“Why Did Batman Slap Robin”…? Could You Be More Specific, Please?

17 Responses to Commonly Asked Questions About Superheroes, as Determined by Google’s Auto-Fill Feature 

We live in a pretty awesome time in history. Sure, we’ve got our share of problems, but finding answers to the questions that truly matter isn’t one of them.

Why, we’ve got it so great on the question-answering front we have entire search engines that are so magical they can take a pretty good guess at what you’re looking for, based on what other people have also looked for.

And as for that stuff other people are looking for… let’s just say it can be a little surprising learning what other people are asking when they want answers about our superheroes:

1.
google-aquamanIn order:

(1) Because for a while he wanted to look all edgy and thought looking like a drenched gladiator with a hook for a hand was a good look for him. Hey, even Parker went emo for half a movie; we all make style choices we’re not proud of.

(2) Why do you exist? Why do I exist? Indeed, how does one even know if one exists at all? As for why Aquaman exists: to remind you puny land-dwellers how insignificant you really are. Next question!

(3) Mainly because people are lazy and want to base everything they know about a character on that one Super Friends episode they saw as a kid, plus a dozen hilarious “he talks to fish” stand-up routines by their friends.

(4)  Hey, you’re king of Atlantis and get invited to royal feasts a lot, what are you supposed to do — insult your hosts and not eat the seafood platter? The fat-shaming stops with you, people. (cut to flashing star and “The More You Know” music)

2.
google-batgirlSeriously? They aren’t passing out copies of Alan Moore’s The Killing Joke in high school English classes so that kids don’t have to go to shady back-alley comic shops to learn about important things like how Batgirl began her career as Oracle? What the hell are schools teaching our kids?

3.
google-batman
1. What, you mean you’ve never? They line up in Gotham City for the chance to slap Robin silly; in fact, the “Slap a Robin for Charity” booth is the highlight of the city’s annual Founders Day parade. Or at least it would be, in my Gotham City.

2. What, WHAT? When did this happen? Has word gotten to Arkham yet?

3. Um… seriously? You’re turning to the internet to find out why Bruce Wayne became Batman? I thought kids these days were born with that knowledge encoded into their DNA.

4. No, for real. You’ve reached an age at which you can type on a computer and you still don’t know why Batman becomes a hero? How, to use a phrase, “Batman Begins” his quest…? Really? Really? Wow.

4.
google-captainamericaI think my bigger question is where did Captain America get the money to give Fury in the first place. I mean, sure, he gets his Avengers stipend and I’m guessing that “L’il Patriot” bank account he opened in 1932 has built up a tidy bit of interest over the decades. But you figure in the costs of shield wax, motorcycle repairs, late-night eBay binges on Andrews Sisters memorabilia… that shit adds up, man.

5.
google-catwomanNow, I’m not going to raise a big stink about how some people — people who shall be known from now on as “people who need a serious ‘girlfriend please’ up the side of their heads” — seem to think Catwoman hates Batman. We’ve got plenty of evidence to suggest the precise opposite of that. What I want to know is why are there people out there who are still confused about the reasons why Catwoman steals? She steals stuff because she’s very, very good at being a thief. Do what you love and the money will follow. Not every character requires a three-picture deal and a reboot to figure out.

6.
google-daredevilI’m assuming the “everyone hate Daredevil” question is referring to Ben Affleck’s first (and hopefully last) questionable foray in superhero tights. I think “everyone” is being a bit harsh — there were a few good things going for the movie, like the fact Colin Farrell and Michael Clarke Duncan were clearly enjoying playing the bad guys. But the film’s biggest problem was timing; coming out in the early 2000s like it did, it was overstuffed with shitty garage-metal music, sub-par special effects and way too much angst for its own good (not to mention how it turned Daredevil into kind of a dick, throwing guys on subway tracks and assaulting pretty girls in schoolyard playgrounds). As for the other questions: because hearing is one of the five senses and his power is super-senses; because the movie wanted us to believe he needed complete sensory deprivation to get a good night’s sleep; and because it’s part of the devil motif, of course. Just be grateful he passed on the pitchfork and tail.

7.
google-darkseidUm… I believe the question y’all should be asking is “why does a johnny-come-lately like Apocalypse look like Darkseid,” thank you very much. The one about hating music is easily explained by hitting the Google search button; there are a lot of fun memes out there offering opinions on which song Superman sung in the Final Crisis mini-series to ruin Darkseid’s plans (I’m pulling for the Pointer Sisters’ “Neutron Dance”). And I’m loving the mental image of someone approaching Darkseid and asking him why he wears a skirt, followed by Darkseid turning to DeSaad all upset: “Why didn’t you guys tell me that’s what it looked like I was wearing? I am so embarrassed right now.”

8.
google-deadpoolSo apparently everyone, including Death, either likes or loves Deadpool, so much so I don’t even know why we even need to ask why. As for the face question, I honestly hadn’t thought of it until I saw this, and then when I looked into it, it made perfect sense. Cancer isn’t a disease or an injury done to the body; it’s simply unregulated growth of some of your body’s cells. So if you have a pre-existing cancer and you’re given the power to heal yourself, your accelerated healing factor isn’t going to recognize the cancer cells as an exterior threat to your health or “fix” them. The best you can hope for — and this seems to be the case for Deadpool’s — is that your healing factor and cancerous growths will fight to a stalemate, with the healing factor keeping the cancer’s effects from overtaxing your system. As if the guy couldn’t get any cooler.

9.
google-greenarrrow“Why does Green arrow use a bow?” Uh… because he’d look really stupid throwing his boxing-glove arrows by hand?

10.
google-hawkeyeOkay, people, what is it about the concept of an archer that’s not clear enough for you to grasp? First you’re asking why Green Arrow uses a bow, now you’re asking why Hawkeye uses one. Maybe the better question is: “Why in God’s name would anyone going up against killer robots, murderous aliens and demi-gods choose to do so with a master’s degree in medieval weaponry?” You can have Renner lampshade that shit all you want, Age of Ultron, it doesn’t make it any less silly.

11.
google-greenlanternBy my count, that’s the third time a superhero’s set of auto-filled questions included one asking why that hero hates Batman. I guess a lot of fans have noticed Batman isn’t much of a sociable type anymore. Remember the good old days when he would crack jokes with his colleagues in the Justice League satellite, or drop by Gotham police stations unannounced to sing some Christmas carols with the boys?  I miss those days.

12.
google-joker
I love the idea of people asking “why” questions about the Joker’s actions, trying to make sense of anything he does. Listen to the nice butler and his war tales, gang. He knows what’s what. “Some men just want to watch the world burn…”

13.
google-luthorGranted, I haven’t kept up with all the reboots, but the answer to all four questions — as least as far as the original Lex Luthor is concerned — can be found in the classic “How Luthor Met Superboy!” in Adventure Comics #271. Quoth the wiki: “Young Lex and Superboy start out as friends, but after Superboy accidentally destroys Luthor’s laboratory and accidentally causes Lex to lose his hair, Luthor vows revenge.” And he carries out that decades-long quest for revenge by inventing kryptonite death-rays and giant robots instead of, say, Rogaine. Huh. Good prioritizing there, Lex.

14.
google-punisherI’m trying to decide if these are questions from people who are looking up specific storylines involving the Punisher and other Marvel characters or from people looking for tips on how to deal with their own… difficulties in life. Either way, in case you didn’t get the memo, the Punisher does a lot of killing.

15.
google-superman I’m still trying to figure out that first one. Get it right this time, Snyder.

16.
google-thanosAw, poor Thanos. Top-notch comic stories and two kick-ass cameos in Marvel movies to date, and all the people want to ask about is how he got his ass handed to him by the Avengers and an adorkable furry with a cult following.

17.
google-wolverineWhy does Wolverine say “bub”? Because he can, bub. Because he can.

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