In Retrospect, They Probably Should Have Waited Before Building That Statue

12 Acceptable Responses to the “Do You Bleed?” Question in the Batman V. Superman Trailer 

1. “Not as much as your mommy and daddy did that night BOO-YAH!”

2. “You mean like this?” [flies at super-speed, uses diamond-hard fingernail to slice Batman’s jugular wide open, returns to his original position in the blink of an eye]

3. “Yup. Tell me: do you breathe?” [flies at super-speed, crumples Batman’s bat-armor in massive bear hug]

4. “Why, I’m glad you asked.” [hauls out slide projector and screen] “The story of Kryptonian physiology is a long and fascinating one…”

5. “Why, yes, I do, and that’s kind of a personal question, and by the way it’s PERFECTLY NORMAL on my planet for the males to choose to bear the children and deal with the… uh, attendant issues that come with that.”

6. “Um… why do you look like Lego Batman? Seriously, what’s up with that? Do you have some kind of endorsement deal with them? I mean, even the suit with the bat-nipples makes more sense compared to that.”

7. “WHAT? WHO SAID THAT? DO YOU HAVE A PHONE YOU CAN HOLD UP SO I CAN SEE WHERE YOU ARE? GODDAMMIT, CAN WE HAVE AT LEAST ONE WORKING STREET LIGHT IN THIS CITY?”

8. “Wait, what did you say? ‘Do you breed?’ ‘Do you knead?’ ‘Do you speed?’ Not sure why you’re using that voice-disguising thing, Mr. Wayne — oh yeah, I X-ray visioned your helmet on my way over here, hope that’s okay — but if you’re going to use it, you might want to work on your diction.”

9. “Do you start every date with that line, Bruce? Because it sure does explain how a good-looking billionaire stays single as long as you have.”

10. “Seriously, between you and me — how did you get Jeremy Irons to be your butler? Because that is totally awesome. If he says ‘be prepared’ while you’re gearing up for battle, I might pee a little from giddiness.”

11. “What, not even a quick Batusi before we get started? Just straight into the trash talk? What happened to you, man? You used to be fun. Now you’re just… mean.”

12. “Whatever. Listen, this place blows. I’m going to scoot over to Central City for a while, hang out with people allowed to enjoy rare moments of happiness, primary colors, shit like that. Want a ride?”