13 More Weird, Wild, and Wonderful Comic-Book Moments That Happened In or Near a Bathroom
1. “Head Games” (Common Grounds #1, 2004)
If the bar from Cheers is the place where everybody knows your name, then Common Grounds is where everybody can take care of their needs. Whether it’s a sugar-filled pick-me-up for the superhero on the go or a handy washroom for the superhero who needs to go, Common Grounds is the place where, as the book tells us, “the heroes and villains can’t have a senses-shattering slugfest, but they can toss back a cup o’ joe and a few crullers.”
On this particular night, the superhero Mental Midget and his arch-foe Man-Witch have anything but crullers on their minds. When they both find themselves at the same Common Grounds shop with a desperate need to use the facilities, they agree to call a truce until they take care of business.
And then something odd happens. As they both sit down to do what needs doing, they realize they don’t have anywhere else to be for a few minutes… and they talk. Their choice of names, their powers, their origins, why Man-Witch doesn’t just use his magic to conjure up money (“Creating money might screw up the economy. I may be a felon, but I’m still a patriotic American!”)… As they leave, they approach something resembling a mutual respect, though Mental Midget promises he’ll kick Man-Witch’s butt “the next time you so much as jaywalk.”
Now, I’m not one to talk a lot in public washrooms; I like to do my business, wash my hands, and get out. But if this kind of bathroom talk leads to people understanding each other a little better… well, maybe it’s not such a bad thing.
2. “The Key” (X-Men: First Class Special #1, 2007)
It’s Magneto facing his most fearsome foes yet: snotty hipster baristas who stand between him and the bathroom key!
“I must bow to the whims of nature!” I’m totally using that every time I need to leave a group to go use the bathroom. I’m also going to start yelling “Simplicity itself!” every time I unlock a public washroom door. People like people who bring a bit of flair to the party.
Be honest: if you had Magneto’s powers, you would be doing stuff like this all the time. I know I would. In fact, I think fetching keys, halting taxis, and erasing the hard drives of people who tick me off are pretty much all I would do with my magnetic powers. What can I say, some people are born to rule and some people ain’t.
3. “Mysteries in Space” (Swamp Thing #57, 1987)
Crikey! It’s getting so’s a fellow can’t have a ponder on the porcelain without some drongo trying to barge in!
For the unintroduced: Adam Strange is an archaeologist who one day found himself transported from a dig in Peru to the distant planet Rann by a “zeta beam,” a long-distance teleportation device that strikes Earth at regular intervals. He built a nice reputation for himself as that planet’s protector, fighting various aliens and monsters that targeted Rann on a schedule so regular it might make you wonder why anyone would want to live there.
In any event, the zeta beam’s effects are temporary, which means Adam keeps getting yanked back home to wait for the next zeta beam to hit Earth. If he wants to get back to Rann, he has to be in the one precise spot where it will hit our planet (always in the Southern Hemisphere) to catch a ride on the next beam.
This time, the beam is scheduled to hit in the middle of the outback; specifically, the recently constructed Outback Mall, which didn’t exist the last time Adam checked his calculations.
Racing to meet the beam that will reunite him with his space sweetie, he’s flustered to find the exact spot he needs to be at that precise moment is a stall in the men’s bathroom… and it’s occupied by a fellow who understandably doesn’t see why this crazy guy can’t just use the next one over. (And after this strange encounter, I’m betting that’s one Aussie who will swear off the Foster’s for good.)
And now I’m wondering what happens if the zeta beam had hit a part of the mall that’s closed to the public, or if the spot that Adam had to be was located inside a wall. What if it was an office tower — would the beam go all the way through to the bottom and pick up every person in its path on each floor? What if the beam was set to hit the middle of a volcano — would Adam have to jump and hope the beam catches him before he hits lava? I’ve got too much time these days to think these thoughts.
4. “Splendour Falls” (The Multiversity: Mastermen #1, 2015)
Full confession: when I started looking for examples of bathroom scenes in the comics, I had no expectation of finding pictures of Adolf Hitler taking a dump. And yet here we are.
In 2015, DC published The Multiversity: Mastermen, a book set on an alternate Earth where Kal-El’s rocket lands in WWII-era Europe; as Overman, he helps the Nazis conquer the world. At the start of the story, Grant Morrison and Jim Lee show a certain Fuhrer looking rather furious about being interrupted while taking care of business; this inelegant moment is how he first learns about the existence of the alien infant.
What makes it even funnier is this isn’t even the first time Morrison depicted Hitler on the toilet. In “The New Adventures of Hitler,” a 1989 strip Morrison wrote for the Scottish magazine Cut, the fifth chapter opens with Hitler in agony on the toilet—a nod to historical evidence that, among other ailments, Hitler was plagued by constipation and uncontrollable flatulence.
It sounds funny to us modern non-Nazi folks, but Hitler’s stomach issues were serious enough to drive him into the arms of Theodor Morell, a doctor of questionable merits whose treatments included small doses of strychnine and other poisons that might have affected Hitler’s rationality at the war went on.
Just a friendly warning to any other wannabe dictators lurking out there: you can act tough for the cameras and order other people to depict you as a tough guy all the livelong day… but you better believe history is going to have a field day discussing your bowel movements the second you’re gone.
5. “Incident in a Men’s Room” (Lobo #20, 1995)
Feetal’s gizz! There’s an “Incident in a Men’s Room” and of course Lobo is right in the middle of it.
Cards on the table: I don’t think I’m the target market for Lobo. I’m not squeamish about over-the-top violence and I can enjoy a good juvenile joke as much as the next 12-year-old-trapped-in-a-middle-aged-dude, but something about Lobo’s one-note personality (“I’ve come to frag and chew gum,” etc.) has never really done it for me. Definitely the kind of character where the creative team makes all the difference.
Take this issue, for instance. Alan Grant and Phil Jimenez (with inks by John Stokes and Ande Parks) have both put out some good stuff over the years, and in this story they meet the absurdity of Lobo’s existence head on with a story that’s set almost entirely inside a men’s washroom.
The setup: Lobo and his bounty hunting partner (the guy with the bunny ears) are there because they just spiked the drinks at a nearby bar where their next “clients” are partying hard, and they’re waiting to ambush them in the bathroom when the diuretic takes effect.
While they wait in the washroom, they encounter an amnesiac superhero working as a janitor, a guy who has turned the end stall into his private apartment (complete with “Bless This House” placard on the wall), a poor schmuck whose only crime was answering the call of nature, and a graffiti artist who picked a really bad time to practise his craft—and that’s before the real fireworks go off. All in a night’s work for our Main Man.
6. “Adventures in Alien Plumbing” (Invincible #118, 2015)
Created by Robert Kirkman and Cory Walker, Image’s Invincible ran from 2003 to 2018. As it begins, we meet Markus, a teenager who finds out one day he has super-powers that he inherited from this father, Omni-Man, an alien being who has sworn to protect Earth. At first, things are amazing for our young new hero, but soon… well, a lot of things happen, let’s just say that.
In this issue, near the end of the title’s run, Invincible ingests some alien food at a dinner party and learns the hard way that, when it comes to certain bodily functions, he can in fact be, ah, vincible. An embarrassing bout of… something gets even more embarrassing when he can’t figure out how to make the alien device flush, and it’s up to Atom Ave to come to the rescue.
“I don’t know what to say… That came out of you.” I think those of us who have known the sweetness of rock-hard love can relate to the idea of that love being tested by our partner’s… indelicate moments.
7. “Rhino Plastered” (Incredible Hulk #378, 1991)
Don’t make him wait for the bathroom. You wouldn’t like him when he has to wait for the bathroom.
This lighthearted Christmas tale puts a spotlight on the Rhino, who after a bout of self-pity about the miserable state of his existence finds some measure of happiness disguised as a store Santa (the hat serving to cover up the massive horn on the suit that he can’t take off). But of course, this being a Hulk book you can be sure the Rhino’s Christmas miracle doesn’t last long.
This story takes place during that period in the late ’80s/early ’90s when the Hulk reverted to his original grey coloring, retained a cunning intelligence, and emerged at night regardless of Banner’s emotional state. In this scene, Banner is in a hurry to change somewhere where he won’t be seen turning into the Hulk, and so he chooses a nearby shopping mall washroom.
I don’t recall if the change was so explosive back then (“BA-TOOM!”), but given the nature of this story and how it’s being told, I think we can allow for a little artistic license.
8. “The Bath” (Tales from the Crypt #42, 1954)
Step right up, boils and ghouls, and enjoy the soothing pleasures of… “THE BATH!” Careful, though, you might find the water has a bit of a bite to it.
This story from EC’s Tales from the Crypt is narrated by a servant to a wicked man who runs a South American silver mine. “At times he is like a wild animal, so crazed is he with his lust for silver,” he tells us. “And at other times, he is almost like an old woman, so devoted is he to his personal cleanliness.”
Indeed, this man who likes to get his hands dirty disciplining the poor wretches in his mine bathes constantly, as if to wash away the evidence of his sins. One day, after working a young boy to death and then shooting his parents dead when they demand justice, the man retires to his nightly bath “to cleanse myself of their filth”… only to discover too late why his servant might take issue with his actions earlier that day.
Now, I’m no icthy… itchy… ithcy…. fish expert guy, but I’m reasonably confident that a bathtub full of “savage, flesh-eating, pirhuana [sic] fish” would contain water a little redder and chunkier than what we see here. I also thought you would need a school of piranha much larger than this to strip the flesh from a man’s bones. But I do not propose we call up those Mythbusters guys to find out for sure.
9. “Clean as a Whistle” (Black Cat #49, 1954)
Abner Williams is not a happy man. On top of the usual workaday stresses, he has an abusive wife whose obsessive-compulsive disorders drive her to spend hours every day cleaning herself. And it’s not just her that has to be clean; Abner has to report to the “grim sergeant of sanitation” every morning before he leaves for work, and woe unto him if there’s a speck of dirt on his hands.
One day, while obsessively cleaning the house, she knocks over an open can of pitch that Abner left on a shelf, dousing her with the sticky mess. This sends her over the edge, as she locks the door and howls he won’t leave the house until she’s completely clean.
“Must think of something,” Abner muses to himself. “I have to — I — wait! It’ll do the trick — ha-ha — a dirty trick, but it’ll get her clean!”
After a short trip for supplies, Abner draws a hot bath and promises her this “marvelous formula” he found will get her clean in no time. And after her screams have subsided, we find out what he put in her bath: an acid solvent that leaves her as nothing but a skeleton. “You’re clean… now!” Abner says. Cut to laugh track and end credits.
10. “Bullseye” (Punisher MAX #9, 2010)
In this story from Marvel’s mature-content line of books, Bullseye—who has been contracted by the Kingpin to take out the Punisher (and not in the “flowers and a dinner” sense)—wants to get inside his head first. So what better way than by visiting the head?
He leads a bunch of the Kingpin’s men into one of Frank’s safe houses and locks himself inside a bulletproof bathroom whilst Frank does what he does best (Bullseye having made some modifications to the place before leading his employer’s goons to the slaughter).
How excited is Bullseye to be this close to Frank while he’s gunning down a room full of goons? In the spirit of the adult-readers imprint, let’s just say I don’t think it’s a coincidence Bullseye chose a bathroom for his private viewing booth.
Marvel’s MAX is an imprint that the publisher created in 2001 after it broke away from the Comics Code Authority and established its own ratings system. While its Epic Comics imprint of the 1980s often featured content that wouldn’t have appeared in its more mainstream titles, MAX was the first time the company created a line of books with the specific intent of publishing uncensored content. And about [BLEEP]-ing time, too.
No surprise, an anti-social anti-hero like the Punisher fit in very well with the MAX aesthetic, with several series and mini-series devoted to everyone’s favorite avenging family man.
11. “Tin Can!” (Frontline Combat #3, 1951)
Seaman 2nd Class Eddie Yearling is the head (pun!) of the toilet crew aboard a U.S. destroyer who doesn’t get much respect from his fellow crewmen. But when the ship hits a mine and the crew has to “dog the hatch” to the head to prevent the rest of the ship from getting flooded, they realize too late that Eddie is still inside.
“It’s just like you said, Seaman 2/C Edward Yearling,” our narrator says. “You’re just a small part of a large operation. Every man counts on the big job, but no man is bigger than the job, Seaman Yearling. The water rushes through the hole in the storage room, filling the head. The banging grows weaker… and weaker… and stops.”
A gripping story, as per usual from the dynamic team-up of Harvey Kurtzman and Jack Davis.
12. “Bishop’s Gambit” (DC’s Legends of Tomorrow, original airdate 6/13/2021)
I’m on record being a big fan of DC’s Legends of Tomorrow, the “Arrow-verse” entry that brought together a bunch of DC’s B-list heroes for time-traveling shenanigans. Among the original characters created for the show was Gary, a Time Bureau agent (think DC’s version of the TVA) whose nerdy personality often led to him being the butt of jokes.
By Season 6, though, the Legends learned that Gary wasn’t quite what he seemed. Proving that being a nebbish isn’t solely the province of us Earth-born humans, Gary reveals himself to be a Necrian, a bipedal alien species with prehensile tentacles, extendable mouths, and the ability to squeeze their bodies into tight spaces.
That last thing proves useful when Sara is kidnapped and the team sets out to free her; Gary uses his ability to “search through every sewage pipe in the facility” before finding the one that leads to the toilet in Sara’s room. “Necrians take great pride in our scrunching.” I don’t doubt it for a second.
13. Jurassic Park #3 (1993)
For our last entry, let’s take a look at one of the most famous scenes in film history involving someone meeting their end while sitting on a toilet. Here’s 1993’s Jurassic Park as depicted by the official comic adaptation from Topps.
Couple of quibbles with the way the book presents this scene. Yes, the lawyer panics and leaves the kids in the jeep just as he does in the film, but the book has him running into a structure that looks more like a concrete bunker, and not the wooden cabana-style washroom seen in the film.
Also, in the film Malcolm follows Grant’s lead and uses a flare to get the T-Rex away from the trapped kids; here, he’s painted with a more cowardly brush, bolting from the jeep to make a beeline for the same building as the lawyer.
Finally, after the building’s ripped apart by the charging T-Rex, we see the lawyer sitting on the toilet facing the dinosaur—same as in the film—but the comic chooses not to show what happens next in the film, leaving it to the readers to imagine what happens after the “AIIIEEEEEE!” part.
Maybe the film people asked the comic creators to keep that image out of the book so that it would be a surprise to moviegoers. Maybe the editors thought the image of a man getting chewed up by a T-Rex was too gruesome for readers. Maybe—like with the first Star Wars film—there were last-minute changes to the film that didn’t make it into the comic adaptation.
Whatever the reason, at least the guy in both the comic and in the film meets his end while sitting on a toilet… the way every man should want to punch out.
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